The other day, while walking the girls to school, I had a moment.
I was watching Quinn walk into school and it hit me, the painful reminder of what will never be. I couldn't hold back the tears as she walked away from me.
You see, Quinn has a very unique sense of style and wears clothes with a confidence that all of us would love to have. I don't even remember what she had on that day. It could have been camouflage pants with leopard print and glitter sneakers. It might have been a rose gold sequin dress with a jean jacket. Maybe it was a headband and a giant bow. Really it could have been any color or pattern combination that only Quinn can pull off.
In that moment, the painful reminder came to me that I will never see Sloane walk away from me on her way to school. I will never see the clothes she picked out herself. I will never see the confidence she exudes as she does something for the first time without fear or hesitation.
This moment, this reminder, opened a flood gate of things we will miss. I couldn't turn my brain off to the onslaught of images and thoughts reminding me of all she won't get to do, all that we won't get to see, all that we will miss.
Running into my arms after daycare, so excited to see me.
Having Sloane point to letters for the first time and telling me what it is.
Reading her first word.
Walking hand in hand with her sisters.
Laughing about all of the words she mispronounced.
Watching her face as she went down a slide for the first time and then asking to do it again, and again, and again.
Walking into her first day of school.
Sloane bringing home her artwork from school, so excited to show me what she made.
Seeing her own style and choice of clothing.
Changing school pictures each year, lining them all up to see how her face has changed.
Watching videos of her from "when she was little" and loving that little baby voice.
Losing her first tooth and seeing how exciting it is to get $1.
Letters to Santa.
Easter scavenger hunts.
Taking baths with her sisters and making bubble beards.
Playing on the beach for the first time.
Telling me she loves me.
Truth is, this barely scratches the surface of the things we will miss. The things she will miss. A lifetime of missed memories. Now it is a lifetime of painful reminders.